Anne Bronte: The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

22. CHAPTER XXII (continued)

'At last, one day when he and I were alone together, after pondering awhile in one of his gloomy, abstracted moods, with his arms folded and his head sunk on his breast, he suddenly woke up, and vehemently grasping my arm, said, -

'"Huntingdon, this won't do! I'm resolved to have done with it."

'"What, are you going to shoot yourself?" said I.

'"No; I'm going to reform."

'"Oh, that's nothing new! You've been going to reform these twelve months and more."

'"Yes, but you wouldn't let me; and I was such a fool I couldn't live without you. But now I see what it is that keeps me back, and what's wanted to save me; and I'd compass sea and land to get it - only I'm afraid there's no chance." And he sighed as if his heart would break.

'"What is it, Lowborough?" said I, thinking he was fairly cracked at last.

'"A wife," he answered; "for I can't live alone, because my own mind distracts me, and I can't live with you, because you take the devil's part against me."

'"Who - I?"

'"Yes - all of you do - and you more than any of them, you know. But if I could get a wife, with fortune enough to pay off my debts and set me straight in the world - "

'"To be sure," said I.

'"And sweetness and goodness enough," he continued, "to make home tolerable, and to reconcile me to myself, I think I should do yet. I shall never be in love again, that's certain; but perhaps that would be no great matter, it would enable me to choose with my eyes open - and I should make a good husband in spite of it; but could any one be in love with me? - that's the question. With your good looks and powers of fascination" (he was pleased to say), "I might hope; but as it is, Huntingdon, do you think anybody would take me - ruined and wretched as I am?"