PART II
5. CHAPTER V.
(continued)
Well, why should he judge them so hastily! Could he really say
what they were, after one short visit? Even Lebedeff seemed an
enigma today. Did he expect to find him so? He had never seen him
like that before. Lebedeff and the Comtesse du Barry! Good
Heavens! If Rogojin should really kill someone, it would not, at
any rate, be such a senseless, chaotic affair. A knife made to a
special pattern, and six people killed in a kind of delirium. But
Rogojin also had a knife made to a special pattern. Can it be that
Rogojin wishes to murder anyone? The prince began to tremble
violently. "It is a crime on my part to imagine anything so base,
with such cynical frankness." His face reddened with shame at the
thought; and then there came across him as in a flash the memory
of the incidents at the Pavlofsk station, and at the other
station in the morning; and the question asked him by Rogojin
about THE EYES and Rogojin's cross, that he was even now wearing;
and the benediction of Rogojin's mother; and his embrace on the
darkened staircase--that last supreme renunciation--and now, to
find himself full of this new "idea," staring into shop-windows,
and looking round for things--how base he was!
Despair overmastered his soul; he would not go on, he would go
back to his hotel; he even turned and went the other way; but a
moment after he changed his mind again and went on in the old
direction.
Why, here he was on the Petersburg Side already, quite close to
the house! Where was his "idea"? He was marching along without it
now. Yes, his malady was coming back, it was clear enough; all
this gloom and heaviness, all these "ideas," were nothing more
nor less than a fit coming on; perhaps he would have a fit this
very day.
But just now all the gloom and darkness had fled, his heart felt
full of joy and hope, there was no such thing as doubt. And yes,
he hadn't seen her for so long; he really must see her. He wished
he could meet Rogojin; he would take his hand, and they would go
to her together. His heart was pure, he was no rival of Parfen's.
Tomorrow, he would go and tell him that he had seen her. Why, he
had only come for the sole purpose of seeing her, all the way
from Moscow! Perhaps she might be here still, who knows? She
might not have gone away to Pavlofsk yet.
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