Anne Bronte: The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

40. CHAPTER XL (continued)

And as I departed, he went on cursing and abusing my faithful friend and servant with epithets I will not defile this paper with repeating. I went to her as soon as I had put away my book, and told her how our project was defeated. She was as much distressed and horrified as I was - and more so than I was that night, for I was partly stunned by the blow, and partly excited and supported against it by the bitterness of my wrath. But in the morning, when I woke without that cheering hope that had been my secret comfort and support so long, and all this day, when I have wandered about restless and objectless, shunning my husband, shrinking even from my child, knowing that I am unfit to be his teacher or companion, hoping nothing for his future life, and fervently wishing he had never been born, - I felt the full extent of my calamity, and I feel it now. I know that day after day such feelings will return upon me. I am a slave - a prisoner - but that is nothing; if it were myself alone I would not complain, but I am forbidden to rescue my son from ruin, and what was once my only consolation is become the crowning source of my despair.

Have I no faith in God? I try to look to Him and raise my heart to heaven, but it will cleave to the dust. I can only say, 'He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out: He hath made my chain heavy. He hath filled me with bitterness - He hath made me drunken with wormwood.' I forget to add, 'But though He cause grief, yet will He have compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.' I ought to think of this; and if there be nothing but sorrow for me in this world, what is the longest life of misery to a whole eternity of peace? And for my little Arthur - has he no friend but me? Who was it said, 'It is not the will of your Father which is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish?'