BOOK ELEVENTH.
CHAPTER 1. THE LITTLE SHOE.
(continued)
"I love you. Oh! how true that is! So nothing comes of
that fire which burns my heart! Alas! young girl, night and
day--yes, night and day I tell you,--it is torture. Oh! I
suffer too much, my poor child. 'Tis a thing deserving of
compassion, I assure you. You see that I speak gently to
you. I really wish that you should no longer cherish this
horror of me.--After all, if a man loves a woman, 'tis not his
fault!--Oh, my God!--What! So you will never pardon me?
You will always hate me? All is over then. It is that which
renders me evil, do you see? and horrible to myself.--You
will not even look at me! You are thinking of something
else, perchance, while I stand here and talk to you,
shuddering on the brink of eternity for both of us! Above
all things, do not speak to me of the officer!--I would cast
myself at your knees, I would kiss not your feet, but the earth
which is under your feet; I would sob like a child, I would
tear from my breast not words, but my very heart and vitals,
to tell you that I love you;--all would be useless, all!--And
yet you have nothing in your heart but what is tender and
merciful. You are radiant with the most beautiful mildness;
you are wholly sweet, good, pitiful, and charming. Alas!
You cherish no ill will for any one but me alone! Oh! what
a fatality!"
He hid his face in his hands. The young girl heard him
weeping. It was for the first time. Thus erect and shaken
by sobs, he was more miserable and more suppliant than when
on his knees. He wept thus for a considerable time.
"Come!" he said, these first tears passed, "I have no more
words. I had, however, thought well as to what you would
say. Now I tremble and shiver and break down at the decisive
moment, I feel conscious of something supreme enveloping
us, and I stammer. Oh! I shall fall upon the pavement
if you do not take pity on me, pity on yourself. Do not
condemn us both. If you only knew how much I love you!
What a heart is mine! Oh! what desertion of all virtue!
What desperate abandonment of myself! A doctor, I mock at
science; a gentleman, I tarnish my own name; a priest, I
make of the missal a pillow of sensuality, I spit in the
face of my God! all this for thee, enchantress! to be
more worthy of thy hell! And you will not have the
apostate! Oh! let me tell you all! more still, something
more horrible, oh! Yet more horrible!...."
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