Anne Bronte: Agnes Grey

21. CHAPTER XXI--THE SCHOOL (continued)

Was it then come to this--that I should be DISAPPOINTED to receive a letter from my only sister: and because it was not written by a comparative stranger? Dear Mary! and she had written it so kindly-- and thinking I should be so pleased to have it!--I was not worthy to read it! And I believe, in my indignation against myself, I should have put it aside till I had schooled myself into a better frame of mind, and was become more deserving of the honour and privilege of its perusal: but there was my mother looking on, and wishful to know what news it contained; so I read it and delivered it to her, and then went into the schoolroom to attend to the pupils: but amidst the cares of copies and sums--in the intervals of correcting errors here, and reproving derelictions of duty there, I was inwardly taking myself to task with far sterner severity. 'What a fool you must be,' said my head to my heart, or my sterner to my softer self;--'how could you ever dream that he would write to you? What grounds have you for such a hope--or that he will see you, or give himself any trouble about you--or even think of you again?' 'What grounds?'--and then Hope set before me that last, short interview, and repeated the words I had so faithfully treasured in my memory. 'Well, and what was there in that?--Who ever hung his hopes upon so frail a twig? What was there in those words that any common acquaintance might not say to another? Of course, it was possible you might meet again: he might have said so if you had been going to New Zealand; but that did not imply any INTENTION of seeing you--and then, as to the question that followed, anyone might ask that: and how did you answer?--Merely with a stupid, commonplace reply, such as you would have given to Master Murray, or anyone else you had been on tolerably civil terms with.' 'But, then,' persisted Hope, 'the tone and manner in which he spoke.' 'Oh, that is nonsense! he always speaks impressively; and at that moment there were the Greens and Miss Matilda Murray just before, and other people passing by, and he was obliged to stand close beside you, and to speak very low, unless he wished everybody to hear what he said, which--though it was nothing at all particular--of course, he would rather not.' But then, above all, that emphatic, yet gentle pressure of the hand, which seemed to say, 'TRUST me;' and many other things besides--too delightful, almost too flattering, to be repeated even to one's self. 'Egregious folly--too absurd to require contradiction--mere inventions of the imagination, which you ought to be ashamed of. If you would but consider your own unattractive exterior, your unamiable reserve, your foolish diffidence--which must make you appear cold, dull, awkward, and perhaps ill-tempered too;--if you had but rightly considered these from the beginning, you would never have harboured such presumptuous thoughts: and now that you have been so foolish, pray repent and amend, and let us have no more of it!'