William Shakespeare: As You Like It

ACT V. 4. SCENE IV. Another part of the Forest. (continued)

JAQUES.
But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the quarrel on
the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE.
Upon a lie seven times removed;--bear your body more
seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir, I did dislike the cut of a
certain courtier's beard; he sent me word, if I said his beard
was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the
Retort courteous. If I sent him word again it was not well cut,
he would send me word he cut it to please himself: this is called
the Quip modest. If again, it was not well cut, he disabled my
judgment: this is called the Reply churlish. If again, it was not
well cut, he would answer I spake not true: this is called the
Reproof valiant. If again, it was not well cut, he would say I
lie: this is called the Countercheck quarrelsome: and so, to the
Lie circumstantial, and the Lie direct.

JAQUES.
And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

TOUCHSTONE.
I durst go no further than the Lie circumstantial, nor
he durst not give me the Lie direct; and so we measured
swords and parted.

JAQUES.
Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

TOUCHSTONE.
O, sir, we quarrel in print by the book, as you have
books for good manners: I will name you the degrees. The first,
the Retort courteous; the second, the Quip modest; the third, the
Reply churlish; the fourth, the Reproof valiant; the fifth, the
Countercheck quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with circumstance;
the seventh, the Lie direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie
Direct; and you may avoid that too with an 'If'. I knew when
seven justices could not take up a quarrel; but when the parties
were met themselves, one of them thought but of an 'If', as: 'If
you said so, then I said so;' and they shook hands, and swore
brothers. Your 'If' is the only peace-maker;--much virtue in
'If.'

JAQUES.
Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at anything, and
yet a fool.