Book the Third - The Track of a Storm
13. XIII. Fifty-two
(continued)
To Mr. Lorry, he commended them all, and explained his worldly affairs.
That done, with many added sentences of grateful friendship and warm
attachment, all was done. He never thought of Carton. His mind was
so full of the others, that he never once thought of him.
He had time to finish these letters before the lights were put out.
When he lay down on his straw bed, he thought he had done with this world.
But, it beckoned him back in his sleep, and showed itself in shining
forms. Free and happy, back in the old house in Soho (though it had
nothing in it like the real house), unaccountably released and light
of heart, he was with Lucie again, and she told him it was all a dream,
and he had never gone away. A pause of forgetfulness, and then he
had even suffered, and had come back to her, dead and at peace, and yet
there was no difference in him. Another pause of oblivion, and he
awoke in the sombre morning, unconscious where he was or what had
happened, until it flashed upon his mind, "this is the day of my death!"
Thus, had he come through the hours, to the day when the fifty-two
heads were to fall. And now, while he was composed, and hoped that
he could meet the end with quiet heroism, a new action began in his
waking thoughts, which was very difficult to master.
He had never seen the instrument that was to terminate his life.
How high it was from the ground, how many steps it had, where he
would be stood, how he would be touched, whether the touching hands
would be dyed red, which way his face would be turned, whether he
would be the first, or might be the last: these and many similar
questions, in nowise directed by his will, obtruded themselves over
and over again, countless times. Neither were they connected with
fear: he was conscious of no fear. Rather, they originated in a
strange besetting desire to know what to do when the time came;
a desire gigantically disproportionate to the few swift moments to
which it referred; a wondering that was more like the wondering of
some other spirit within his, than his own.
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