PART II
5. CHAPTER V.
(continued)
That there was, indeed, beauty and harmony in those abnormal
moments, that they really contained the highest synthesis of
life, he could not doubt, nor even admit the possibility of
doubt. He felt that they were not analogous to the fantastic and
unreal dreams due to intoxication by hashish, opium or wine. Of
that he could judge, when the attack was over. These instants
were characterized--to define it in a word--by an intense
quickening of the sense of personality. Since, in the last
conscious moment preceding the attack, he could say to himself,
with full understanding of his words: "I would give my whole life
for this one instant," then doubtless to him it really was worth
a lifetime. For the rest, he thought the dialectical part of his
argument of little worth; he saw only too clearly that the result
of these ecstatic moments was stupefaction, mental darkness,
idiocy. No argument was possible on that point. His conclusion,
his estimate of the "moment," doubtless contained some error, yet
the reality of the sensation troubled him. What's more unanswerable
than a fact? And this fact had occurred. The prince had confessed
unreservedly to himself that the feeling of intense beatitude in
that crowded moment made the moment worth a lifetime. "I feel
then," he said one day to Rogojin in Moscow, "I feel then as if I
understood those amazing words--'There shall be no more time.'"
And he added with a smile: "No doubt the epileptic Mahomet refers
to that same moment when he says that he visited all the
dwellings of Allah, in less time than was needed to empty his
pitcher of water." Yes, he had often met Rogojin in Moscow, and
many were the subjects they discussed. "He told me I had been a
brother to him," thought the prince. "He said so today, for the
first time."
He was sitting in the Summer Garden on a seat under a tree, and
his mind dwelt on the matter. It was about seven o'clock, and the
place was empty. The stifling atmosphere foretold a storm, and
the prince felt a certain charm in the contemplative mood which
possessed him. He found pleasure, too, in gazing at the exterior
objects around him. All the time he was trying to forget some
thing, to escape from some idea that haunted him; but melancholy
thoughts came back, though he would so willingly have escaped
from them. He remembered suddenly how he had been talking to the
waiter, while he dined, about a recently committed murder which
the whole town was discussing, and as he thought of it something
strange came over him. He was seized all at once by a violent
desire, almost a temptation, against which he strove in vain.
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