Anthony Trollope: The Belton Estate

30. CHAPTER XXX: MARY BELTON (continued)

But Clara was in truth trying not to love him. She was ashamed of herself because she did love the one man, when, but a few weeks since, she had confessed that she loved another. She had mistaken herself and her own feelings, not in reference to her cousin, but in supposing that she could really have sympathized with such a man as Captain Aylmer. It was necessary to her self-respect that she should be punished because of that mistake. She could not save herself from this condemnation she would not grant herself a respite because, by doing so, she would make another person happy. Had Captain Aylmer never crossed her path, she would have given her whole heart to her cousin. Nay; she had so given it had done so, although Captain Aylmer had crossed her path and come in her way. But it was matter of shame to her to find that this had been possible, and she could not bring herself to confess her shame.

The conversation at last ended, as such conversations always do end, without any positive decision. Mary wrote of course to her brother, but Clara was not told of the contents of the letter. We, however, may know them, and may understand their nature, without learning above two lines of the letter. 'If you can be content to wait awhile, you will succeed,' said Mary; 'but when were you ever content to wait for anything?' ' If there is anything I hate, it is waiting,' said Will, when he received the letter; nevertheless the letter made him happy, and he went about his farm with a sanguine heart, as he arranged matters for another absence. 'Away long?' he said, in answer to a question asked him by his head man; 'how on earth can I say how long I shall be away? You can go on well enough without me by this time, I should think. You will have to learn, for there is no knowing how often I may be away, or for how long.'

When Mary said that the letter had been written, Clara again spoke about going. 'And where will you go?' said Mary.

'I will take a lodging in Taunton.'

'He would only follow you there, and there would be more trouble. That would be all. He must act as your guardian, and in that capacity, at any rate, you must submit to him.' Clara, therefore, consented to remain at Belton; but, before Will arrived, she returned from the house to the cottage.